Woe is me

Reality is finally sinking in. In one week I will no longer be working for the sheriff's dept. It's bitter-sweet really; this job is my comfort zone and financial security (well it was asteayd paycheck). We were told a year ago that we might not have a job anymore and that has been the story since then, and yet every week that went by and we were still here that fact slipped further and further from our minds. And now it is hitting me like a brick wall. It is official. I can't take unemployment, nor do I particularly want to. And I have been job hunting for a little while now and find that every day it gets harder. Every time I open my email with no new messages and every call I don't receive makes me feel more and more defeated.

But I'm trying to stay optimistic, as hard as it is to do. Originally I wanted a new job so I could afford t move out. However, the more pressing issue is now just being able to pay my bills. I hope I find something soon.

hello?

is there anybody in there?
just nod if you can hear me.
is there anybody home?

And the secret ingredient is....

Giant Lobsters!

I'm a little sad. I thought a healthy dose of Iron Chef would shake me out of my lousy mood. However, this episode has me a little more depressed. The secret ingredient being giant lobsters in interesting, but I don't like that they are still alive when iron chef and challenger race up to fill their pans with the poor things. Then it shows the chefs shoving a knife into the shell and the giant lobsters snap their claws and flail their limbs trying to get away. Not that I haven't eaten my fair share of meat (but I've never had lobster), but the reason these guys are so "giant" is because they are 30 years old... I can't help but wonder how these lobsters are feeling. Are they scared because they don't know why their lives are ending in a pot? Do they wish they had told their family they loved them before they were plucked from the sea? Will their mate miss them? I would be horrified if I were one of these lobsters. hmm.

The past few days have been painfully long; my emotions have been a mixture of anger, frustration, and sadness. On Sunday my mom and I went to the river to take kayak the first half of the Eppie's route. We were with a group and were out on the water for about 3 hours and when we came back to the car we were met with an unexpected discovery. We didn't realize anything was wrong right away because we went straight for the trunk to grab towels and our purses. I looked for my purse and realized it wasn't there, my moms was gone too. It was starting to dawn on me when mom echoed my thoughts, "Katie, someone stole our purses." We then saw the tear in the side of the soft-top... my heart just sank. Both the glove box and center console had been busted open (even though my mom locked them before we left). They had tried to steal the car but apparently weren't well equipped. The ignition was somewhat messed up but we were able to get the key wiggled in and the car started. But they thoroughly went through the car and took our purses, cellphones, and loose cash that was in the car.

It was the weirdest feeling in the world to know that someone had not only gone through our things but stole personal items. I don't like knowing that someone out there is looking at my picture on my license or reading my texts, or looking through my family pictures. It's uneasy knowing that these criminals now know everything about us. They know where we live, they know our names, our faces. They have my mom's SSN and my birth certificate- enabling them to do endless harm and reek havoc in our lives and credit scores. They have the purse my mom bought for me in Colombia, and the camera I saved up to buy a couple years ago. They have pictures of my family and of me and AJ. They have my chapstick collection and my new cell phone. They have all our credit cards, debit cards, and ID cards. They have a check my parents wrote me, they have gift cards, and my moms pearl earrings. But worst of all, they stole our sense of security.

My original reaction was quiet shock which evolved into deep sadness. Now I'm angry and frustrated. Nothing taken was irreplaceable, and I'm grateful for that. Most of what we lost were material possessions. But we worked to have those things. We are the ones that put in hours to earn the money to buy these things. What did these thieves do to deserve or earn everything they took? Nothing. One of my original thoughts later on Sunday night was, "Do they feel bad they are hurting other people? Do they look at the pictures in my camera and realize they have stole something incredibly personal from someone?" But no, they don't think that. It's clear that they are only thinking about themselves and don't care about the people from whom they are stealing.

My anger reached a plateau when I realized that I now have to watch my back for a long time to come. I fear that somewhere they are using my ID or birth certificate to ruin my life. Although they have not used any of my cards, at least that I know of yet, that doesn't mean they won't try to obtain credit cards or loans in my name down the road. I have put a fraud alert out on my name so that they would have to jump through hoops if they did indeed try to get a line of credit, but seeing as they have my birth certificate I imagine it wouldn't be all that hard to do. I also have for the first time in my life (with the exception of when I was young and had a very active imagination and believed in monsters) that I have not felt safe in my own home. These creeps have our home address and what would stop them from trying to get into our house and steal other things. We have been locking the doors religiously the past few days and we have even been keeping the keys to the vehicles locked up in the house with us. That may sound weird, but before this we never had to worry about people stealing our things, locking our doors, or locking our cars. I feel uneasy when I go to bed and do a mental rundown of where the guns and ammo are. I never used to do that (again with the exception of werewolves and boogiemen).

And today was soooo frustrating. My mom and I had a marathon day of trying to get things back together. We went to the bank to get new cards and make sure accounts are protected (which I don't feel convinced mine is). Then we went to Target to get new wallets and purses, and then on to Verizon. Mom was due for a new phone and got her upgrade discount while I got a one year discount....which isn't much but it's better than nothing. Then we went to DMV....enough said there. Our day started at 9 and didn't end until 3. Of course as soon as we got home I left again to go to class and try to get some studying in. And THAT is a whole other story. So now I resign for the evening. I'm tired from all these emotions and I'm tired from stressing about my impossible summer classes. I'm not doing my homework that is due tonight and to be honest I don't give a crap. Right now I want to get some sleep so I can get through another day. I'm ready for the end of the week. I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to keep training for Eppie's - but I can't until I get a new inhaler...mine was in my purse. I want to pass my stupid classes- just got my books today, go figure. And I NEED to find a job. Yes, I have a long few weeks ahead. But if I can just get through the next few days I think I might be able to survive the summer.

I think this is the one thing that always makes me laugh...meep meep :)

the times they are a-changin'

I've been listening to Bob Dylan a lot as of late. Sadly, I just learned that All Along the Watchtower was not originally by Hendrix (oops). I'm kind of embarrassed to not know this before, but hey, I can't know everything about music and songs and what not. But it makes me want to expand my collection of Bob's songs to more than just the three that I magically have on my itunes. Anyways, the point is that some of these songs have got me thinking.

It seems like everything is changing right now and I think I'm going to welcome it. My job is up in the air, which doesn't really matter since I need a new one anyway and it just lights a little fire under my ass (which is what I need). I just really want to be able to move out this summer and even if it means working more hours for less money, I'll be willing to do it. Sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done and if that means taking a job that isn't quite what I had in mind- so be it. I'll be happy to have a job and hopefully I'll find a way to challenge myself in it.

I feel like for the past few years I've been holding back. With school and work and everything I just don't put in a lot of effort. It's not like I try to find ways to slack off or I consciously decide to goof around- I just have a serious lack of motivation and I don't know why. I don't know if I can say that it is the same reason I did so poorly in high school which was "I wasn't being challenged enough." But if that isn't it, I don't know what it is. I mean, I know what it's like to work hard and feel that satisfaction of a job well done, but maybe that's what I'm missing. I like to accomplish things but when it's not a challenge, what is the point? Winning doesn't feel as good if it's an easy victory. So maybe that's the answer. I know I can do well if I put in the effort but I need to make myself put that effort in. So the challenge doesn't lie in the task itself but in motivating myself to give something my all.

This all comes in at a good time since I am a multitasking girl these days. Things to accomplish include: (1) Find a job- preferably one with good pay and benefits, but beggars can't be choosers, (2) Pass my Spanish 402 class- an A would be nice, but this prof needs to seriously see a doctor about that stick stuck up her.... (3) Complete the Eppie's Great Race- this will be my biggest challenge since exercise is the main component here.

So there you have it. Change is happening and I'm so ready for it. I have a really good feeling about this summer. I think things are going to work out for the best and even though I might find myself with some new challenges, it could be exactly what I need right now. I'm so hopeful for my future and what's in store for me. I think as long as I keep my head up and pray, I'll be just fine.

These pictures don't have much to do with anything other than I was looking at photographers who are interesting and one of those is Jerry Uelsmann. All of his work is done in a darkroom- no computers or photoshop. Just him and as many as 11 enlargers. Crazy! Just felt like putting a couple pictures up.

Paz,
me